Wednesday, October 9, 2013

A Tissue For My Issue?


Last night I went to bed angry and slept fairly soundly.  Actually, I slept better than I normally do when all is right with the world.  Why would I go to bed angry?  There is a good answer for that and here it is.  I had a friend.  I had a very good friend.  When I stopped working with her we would talk and visit once in a while.  When I worked closer to her I would stop down on my lunch hour maybe once a week, or two.  She never came up to visit me although her time was more flexible than mine, but that didn’t matter.  At one point she just stopped talking to me.  I went in to visit and she was curt and uncommunicative.  I still have no idea what I did, but for the longest time she ran from me.  Stayed in her car when I pulled into the parking lot after her or turned her head if she drove by me as I walked to the office.  Just last week she and her husband ran a stop sign at the end of the one-way street because had they stopped our cars would have been next to each other.  She un-friended me on Facebook.  At first I thought she deleted her account but when I looked she was still friends with everyone else.  I got the picture and although it hurt at first I chalked it up to live and learn, one cannot hold another as a friend if that other person doesn’t want to be.

I left work last night only to be followed by her and with her was a mutual friend.  I looked in the rearview and saw them while I sat at the light.  The only thing I thought was that wasn’t it nice that they were still so close.  Yes, a little sarcastically, but what else can I do?  I knew they were still paling around.  Whatever.  They stay a good ways behind me and we take the same route.  When I get to my village I pull over at the post office and she does too.  I think to myself that this will be interesting, but I put on my sunglasses and walk at a normal pace into the post office.  I get my mail and walk out.  I don’t look at her car.  To me she is invisible, and worse, a stranger.  I don’t know her anymore.  I get in my car and start it up.  She pulls out from behind me and honks.  Both of them wave.  It takes everything I have not to give her the finger but the woman in her car with her is a friend of my mother’s, and someone I used to scrapbook with and I respect her more than that.

I get home and I post on Facebook something along the lines of “Don’t expect me to wave and honk.  We’re not friends”.  I get a bunch of likes and I don’t use names.  When I pick up my boyfriend later I tell him what happened.  He asks me if I spoke to her and I told him no, that she never rolled down her window, didn’t yell from her car, didn’t get out or make any effort.  He was glad I ignored her.  He didn’t think she needed to be acknowledged since she hadn’t done the same for me the last year and a half.

Later he gets on Facebook.  He sees my post and he gets all “Why did you post that?” attitude.  I walked away.

Later he asks me if I’m mad at him.  I tell him no and go to bed mad.

This morning after I’ve had some time to think I ask him what his problem was with the post I put on my wall.  He told me that I shouldn’t put anything on there that I wouldn’t say to her face and since I wouldn’t it shouldn’t have gone up.  He said that I’m not that time of person, implying that that person is an idiot.  I told him that it isn’t often that I put things like that up but I do and I AM that sort of person.  And now I’m really angry.

I could roll ten different things I’m mad at him about into this and make him into a complete jerk, but he’s not.  But after ten years I have to wonder if he knows who I really am.  I basically have the attitude “live and let live”.  Whoever you are is who you are and maybe I like you or I don’t but it’s your life, not mine.  I do this with him all the time because he is definitely a lot different than me.  He, however, is very judgmental and I feel it a lot even when it’s not aimed at me.  I basically start an argument with him before I can stop, challenging his views.  I am trying to stop that because I know I can’t win and it just causes hard feelings.  If I walk away I’ll forget about it.

After all this, what really bothers me is that he thinks I should be a better person, when I’m trying to be the best person I can be already.  I’m tired.  I would like to tell everyone to go jump off a cliff.  I would like things to go my way.  I don’t.  They don’t.  And sometimes I vent about it.  Here it is.