Friday, September 26, 2014

It's A Cat's Life

     My cat is living the life.  He has his own personal doormen, a personal waiter, and someone who will groom him when he allows.  
     He has been so elusive the first eight years of his life that we indulge him now.  
     Cal was hand fed his fifth and sixth week of life as he was given to my daughter on the street and of course I didn't know who to return him to.  He was weaned way too early and he refused a bottle.  I fed him by dipping my finger in formula and letting him lick it off.  This led to a lot of hand biting later on.  It took me a while to connect it to his early feeding.  I thought because of this feeding method that we had to use, that he and I would bond and he'd be my shadow but it didn't turn out that way.  
     He would NEVER let me hold him for more than a minute or two when he was younger.  He wasn't feral, he just didn't want to be touched.  Looking back now we think it could have been allergies.  His skin seemed to bother him a lot.  We've switched cat food now and he's much better.
     Because we had another cat with us before he came in to the picture, he took back seat to her.  She was the queen and she let him know it.  She ruled the bedroom and she was exclusively mine and I was hers.  I tried to get them to get along but it wasn't meant to be.  
     Almost immediately after she died he started getting on the bed with us.  At night he generally cuddles with my boyfriend, but after I fall asleep he lays down on my pillow by my head.  The changes that he has gone through in the last year have been amazing and I've been putting two and two together and I think that we have finally truly bonded.  I think my cat really does love me.  I know I love him, even though he can be a real jerk sometimes.
     It was amazing tonight, after he came in the house, that he let me grab him, flip him over and hold him like a baby.  This lasted about ten minutes and I'm sure to him seemed like an hour.  He's so much more patient with me know and I am so happy to see his character and sweetness instead of feeling attacked and disliked by him.  I miss my other cat terribly, but I'm also grateful for this time with Cal.  His life is a mystery still unfolding before my eyes.

Cal, more relaxed than I have ever seen him!

Saturday, September 13, 2014


This morning I had a nightmare.  I was kidnapped, with the kids and a group from Scouts (I think).  People looked familiar but I had no idea who they were.  The kidnapper was a guy who looked like Joe Montegna.  He was viscous and we were always uncertain if he meant to kill us or not and I was so scared for the kids and we were given plenty of chances to run because the group was a large one but everyone was scared to do anything and I just wanted the kids to be safe and I kept telling them to call 911 when he was planning to take a few of the adults away, including me, but either they didn't have a phone or they just were too scared to.  It was one of those dreams where I couldn't make myself fall asleep afterwards to find out what happens.  I woke up finally after he slit a woman's throat who walked into the encampment as an example of what he would do to the rest of us.  The dream is still so vivid in my mind I feel I've left the kids behind because I won't go back to sleep to rescue them.
Am I losing my mind?  I know my anxiety attacks are back.

Friday, September 12, 2014

Days Like These

It's days like these that I realize out of the 222 friends on Facebook, I have no true, real friend.  I used to have friends that I partied with, then we grew up and apart.  I used to have friends that I worked with, then I moved to an office that doesn't foster friendships and I am alone.  I have a long-term boyfriend, but his views oppose mine and therefore I cannot even cry in front of him because of this.  What should be the happiest time of my life, is becoming a sorrow that I just can't deal with.
My daughter is in jail.  She goes for sentencing soon and is planning on leaving her husband when she is released.  I'm thrilled that she is trying to put her life together - he is the reason she has been in trouble in the last five years.  He is controlling and abusive and if he dropped dead it wouldn't hurt my feelings, in fact I would go to his funeral.  No, the part of all this is losing the kids.  By law, because my daughter is not their natural mother, and because he is a giant douche bag, we will not get visitation.  I want to see the kids and remind them that we love them, but they are being punished, by us, for stealing and are not allowed at the house right now.  My bf won't back down and I haven't asked him to.  It's important for us to follow through.  But their father has them call and ask us if they can come over and when we say no, but let's get together Sunday afternoon, he has them hang up.  The girl is eleven.  She knows what's up and how to survive.  The boy, my heart, my little soul mate, is struggling so hard.  He's trying to please a crooked father by stealing, and yet he knows it's wrong.  Before he hangs up I tell him I love him.  He doesn't answer.  I know he heard me.  I know I'm on speaker phone.  I don't know if his father will let me take them Sunday.  I don't know anything.  All I know is I miss them.  I miss the hugs, the I love you's, the holding my hand, the constant "mema this, mema that, mema can we...".
I don't know what to do.  I can't call my mom because my daughter doesn't want her to know her plans.  I don't want her to tell me what I've done wrong and what she is going to do to fix it.  I just miss those kids and the fun we had and because one asshole doesn't want to deal with them, or wants me to take them so he can party, I will lose any time I can reinforce my love for them.
God this hurts.  I don't know how much more I can take.  I don't understand why God would put these children in my life and me in theirs and then take them away from me and me from them.  I don't get it!  And the worst part is I know they don't understand why I'm not there and I will not have a chance to explain it.
I wish I had someone to talk with about it.  I can't afford counseling and I don't have any friends, not real friends, that want to deal with me and my problems.  I never thought I needed anyone and after getting burned by a couple friends I figured I was better off on my own, but I really need one right now.

Homeless in Hawaii

In a land of beauty, Hawaii is sure looking ugly these days.

Yes, her homeless are defecating in public places.  It’s too bad there are so many that they can’t use a public rest room.  Perhaps Hawaii should address the homeless issue with a little compassion and interest in WHY the high rate, instead of sending its homeless to a dirty deserted island that used to be used as a landfill. 

All of a sudden, at least to me, Hawaii isn’t so pretty anymore.  In fact, it seems downright ugly, unforgiving and unapologetic.  I don’t have all the answers, but it seems to me that as the richest country in the world there should not be homeless people.  And for those people who say that it is a choice I say that it is a choice for the very few.  Most people who are homeless do not choose to live on the street and eat what they find and put their lives in danger.



Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Labor Day Birthday - Something's Got To Change...

Monday was my birthday.  I didn't expect much, maybe a store bought cake or a dinner out without my say in where we were going.  A couple of calls wishing me a happy birthday.  I received none of that.  It was just as well, I didn't feel much like celebrating.
This past weekend was a huge celebration in our town.  There was a foot race, a parade and fireworks and we were involved in all of them.  We had the two kids over and had to keep an eye on them too.  One is extremely boy crazy in a bad way - she's 11 and looks fourteen, and one is a kleptomaniac.
We decided to have a fire in the back yard and make s'mores.  The kids were all excited about it and the klepto loved throwing brush on the fire.  We even put bottles in the fire and were shaping them.  I didn't know one could do that!

The kids were back and forth between our house and the neighbor's and just before we started toasting the neighbor came over asking the kids if they took his phone.  His iPhone.  I patted the klepto down, pulling stuff out of his pockets, relived when I found nothing.  As we were standing there I realized I hadn't checked his back pockets.  When I told him to stand up he wouldn't, and I knew.  I made him stand up, took the phone out of his pocket and took it to our neighbor's house.  Feeling awful for the act of stealing, for his need to steal, and for the fact that it is a compulsion with him and there is NO ONE that will help him stop.  We have been working with him for years and cannot get him to stop.  His parents are thieves.  He sees this.  He watches them get arrested from time to time.  Needless to say, my weekend was ruined.
To have a quiet birthday was nice, just lonely.  I missed the kids.  I missed the cards.  I missed the cake.  My boyfriend was sweet - he got me a card and we watched a movie that I wanted to see.  The thing that hurt the most and does today as well, is that my mom seems to have forgotten my birthday.  She called me in the morning and I answered expecting to hear her say "Happy Birthday Jenny", but she talked about the kids and were they ready for school and how their situation was hard and nothing, not one thing, about my day.  Any other day this would not bother me.  I'm used to it and I let her talk about it because she can't talk about it with anyone else.  But on September 1st I just wanted to scream into the phone - "MOM!  IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!  PAY ATTENTION TO ME!"  I called her at lunch time today and left her a message about what I did yesterday.  She called me back and asked if I could pick the kids up and take them home for her because she didn't feel well.  I told her I would.  When I got to her apartment she still hadn't remembered that she had forgotten.
I realize that I just spent my first birthday without my mother.  When the day comes when she is no longer around I can feel comforted in the fact that it won't be the first birthday without her and that I had survived at least one before that.
I did do one thing on my birthday that I had never done before.  I made my own roasted pasta sauce with veggies from my own garden.  That's why I called her today - to let her know I tried something new.  I miss my mom, even though she's only twelve miles away.