For Your Own Good

Anxiety rips my chest apart and causes pain in my

heart and

non-stop thoughts in my head about

how I can make everything better,

that kissing your boo-boos will make all the bad stuff go away and

then I realize I can’t fix everything like I used to and

you are an adult with a husband and

children and

you both need to stop acting like kids yourselves and

face up to the fact that he is mentally unstable and

my grandchildren are living in that environment and

getting more and more unstable themselves when they are faced with moving yet again and

this time without more of their stuff even though their father gets to take all of his toys and

the system that is set up to protect them does nothing,

NOTHING, and

they are left on the wayside again even though

we’ve told their teachers there is something wrong and please,

please,

please report something, anything,

so they might have a halfway decent life, even if it is in a stranger’s home, and

even if we never see them again as long as they’re safe and away from him, and

then maybe you will decide you’ve had enough and

leave him too and

start your life the way you would have had you not decided to leave home at sixteen and…

…then I take a breath.  I think that this will never change.  This story will play out over and over again, and

I need to check out.  I look at the clock. 

Twilight will not make the dark circles under my eyes any brighter. 

I love you, but this is your circus. 

You chose that monkey. 

I will help destroy him, but in doing so, you and I may be destroyed too. 

As a mother

I have to tell you

– it’s for your own good.

Nightmares

This morning I had a nightmare.  I was kidnapped, with the kids and a group from Scouts (I think).  People looked familiar but I had no idea who they were.  The kidnapper was a guy who looked like Joe Montegna.  He was viscous and we were always uncertain if he meant to kill us or not and I was so scared for the kids and we were given plenty of chances to run because the group was a large one but everyone was scared to do anything and I just wanted the kids to be safe and I kept telling them to call 911 when he was planning to take a few of the adults away, including me, but either they didn't have a phone or they just were too scared to.  It was one of those dreams where I couldn't make myself fall asleep afterwards to find out what happens.  I woke up finally after he slit a woman's throat who walked into the encampment as an example of what he would do to the rest of us.  The dream is still so vivid in my mind I feel I've left the kids behind because I won't go back to sleep to rescue them.
Am I losing my mind?  I know my anxiety attacks are back.