Days Like These

It's days like these that I realize out of the 222 friends on Facebook, I have no true, real friend.  I used to have friends that I partied with, then we grew up and apart.  I used to have friends that I worked with, then I moved to an office that doesn't foster friendships and I am alone.  I have a long-term boyfriend, but his views oppose mine and therefore I cannot even cry in front of him because of this.  What should be the happiest time of my life, is becoming a sorrow that I just can't deal with.
My daughter is in jail.  She goes for sentencing soon and is planning on leaving her husband when she is released.  I'm thrilled that she is trying to put her life together - he is the reason she has been in trouble in the last five years.  He is controlling and abusive and if he dropped dead it wouldn't hurt my feelings, in fact I would go to his funeral.  No, the part of all this is losing the kids.  By law, because my daughter is not their natural mother, and because he is a giant douche bag, we will not get visitation.  I want to see the kids and remind them that we love them, but they are being punished, by us, for stealing and are not allowed at the house right now.  My bf won't back down and I haven't asked him to.  It's important for us to follow through.  But their father has them call and ask us if they can come over and when we say no, but let's get together Sunday afternoon, he has them hang up.  The girl is eleven.  She knows what's up and how to survive.  The boy, my heart, my little soul mate, is struggling so hard.  He's trying to please a crooked father by stealing, and yet he knows it's wrong.  Before he hangs up I tell him I love him.  He doesn't answer.  I know he heard me.  I know I'm on speaker phone.  I don't know if his father will let me take them Sunday.  I don't know anything.  All I know is I miss them.  I miss the hugs, the I love you's, the holding my hand, the constant "mema this, mema that, mema can we...".
I don't know what to do.  I can't call my mom because my daughter doesn't want her to know her plans.  I don't want her to tell me what I've done wrong and what she is going to do to fix it.  I just miss those kids and the fun we had and because one asshole doesn't want to deal with them, or wants me to take them so he can party, I will lose any time I can reinforce my love for them.
God this hurts.  I don't know how much more I can take.  I don't understand why God would put these children in my life and me in theirs and then take them away from me and me from them.  I don't get it!  And the worst part is I know they don't understand why I'm not there and I will not have a chance to explain it.
I wish I had someone to talk with about it.  I can't afford counseling and I don't have any friends, not real friends, that want to deal with me and my problems.  I never thought I needed anyone and after getting burned by a couple friends I figured I was better off on my own, but I really need one right now.

A Tissue For My Issue?

Last night I went to bed angry and slept fairly soundly.  Actually, I slept better than I normally do when all is right with the world.  Why would I go to bed angry?  There is a good answer for that and here it is.  I had a friend.  I had a very good friend.  When I stopped working with her we would talk and visit once in a while.  When I worked closer to her I would stop down on my lunch hour maybe once a week, or two.  She never came up to visit me although her time was more flexible than mine, but that didn’t matter.  At one point she just stopped talking to me.  I went in to visit and she was curt and uncommunicative.  I still have no idea what I did, but for the longest time she ran from me.  Stayed in her car when I pulled into the parking lot after her or turned her head if she drove by me as I walked to the office.  Just last week she and her husband ran a stop sign at the end of the one-way street because had they stopped our cars would have been next to each other.  She un-friended me on Facebook.  At first I thought she deleted her account but when I looked she was still friends with everyone else.  I got the picture and although it hurt at first I chalked it up to live and learn, one cannot hold another as a friend if that other person doesn’t want to be.

I left work last night only to be followed by her and with her was a mutual friend.  I looked in the rearview and saw them while I sat at the light.  The only thing I thought was that wasn’t it nice that they were still so close.  Yes, a little sarcastically, but what else can I do?  I knew they were still paling around.  Whatever.  They stay a good ways behind me and we take the same route.  When I get to my village I pull over at the post office and she does too.  I think to myself that this will be interesting, but I put on my sunglasses and walk at a normal pace into the post office.  I get my mail and walk out.  I don’t look at her car.  To me she is invisible, and worse, a stranger.  I don’t know her anymore.  I get in my car and start it up.  She pulls out from behind me and honks.  Both of them wave.  It takes everything I have not to give her the finger but the woman in her car with her is a friend of my mother’s, and someone I used to scrapbook with and I respect her more than that.

I get home and I post on Facebook something along the lines of “Don’t expect me to wave and honk.  We’re not friends”.  I get a bunch of likes and I don’t use names.  When I pick up my boyfriend later I tell him what happened.  He asks me if I spoke to her and I told him no, that she never rolled down her window, didn’t yell from her car, didn’t get out or make any effort.  He was glad I ignored her.  He didn’t think she needed to be acknowledged since she hadn’t done the same for me the last year and a half.

Later he gets on Facebook.  He sees my post and he gets all “Why did you post that?” attitude.  I walked away.

Later he asks me if I’m mad at him.  I tell him no and go to bed mad.

This morning after I’ve had some time to think I ask him what his problem was with the post I put on my wall.  He told me that I shouldn’t put anything on there that I wouldn’t say to her face and since I wouldn’t it shouldn’t have gone up.  He said that I’m not that time of person, implying that that person is an idiot.  I told him that it isn’t often that I put things like that up but I do and I AM that sort of person.  And now I’m really angry.

I could roll ten different things I’m mad at him about into this and make him into a complete jerk, but he’s not.  But after ten years I have to wonder if he knows who I really am.  I basically have the attitude “live and let live”.  Whoever you are is who you are and maybe I like you or I don’t but it’s your life, not mine.  I do this with him all the time because he is definitely a lot different than me.  He, however, is very judgmental and I feel it a lot even when it’s not aimed at me.  I basically start an argument with him before I can stop, challenging his views.  I am trying to stop that because I know I can’t win and it just causes hard feelings.  If I walk away I’ll forget about it.

After all this, what really bothers me is that he thinks I should be a better person, when I’m trying to be the best person I can be already.  I’m tired.  I would like to tell everyone to go jump off a cliff.  I would like things to go my way.  I don’t.  They don’t.  And sometimes I vent about it.  Here it is.