Help! Need Advice!!!

     Need a little non-writing help here.  

     My grandson and granddaughter steal once in a while.  Never money, but usually something small.  

     This last time they stole candy bars that we were selling for a friend’s daughter to support her skating.  We realized it after they left.  We haven’t spoken to them yet.  

     If it comes down to it, they may be spending their holidays with their parents who are the influence of their behavior.  I don’t want them there because we do all the fun stuff with them and it won’t happen if we don’t take them.  

     The boy is ten, the girl is twelve.  Has anyone dealt with this situation before?  It’s driving me crazy.  I’ve had him bring things back to the store and hand them to the manager, and as far as I know this is his sister’s first time.  

     Last night my boyfriend asked me what I wanted to do, and my response was to cut off one hand.  

     I’m so sick and tired of the disrespect and the disappointment.  They don’t need to steal from us.  They don’t need to steal at all.  Yet they do.  

     Any advice would be appreciated.  Help!!!

All We Can Ask Is "Why?"

This Nevada school shooting is really bothering me.  I feel so bad for this nation.  We have entitled ourselves and our children to anything we want (we deserve, we think) and if we don’t get it we get mad and get even.  I don’t know why this happened.  I can’t even pretend to get in this boy’s head, this twelve year old boy, and try to figure him out.  And he’s not going to be around to answer any questions.  And his parents are probably clueless too.  Unless he left a note, or he was going to counseling.  I really have to wonder if his parents didn’t see something coming.  I know when my daughter was a teenager and even now, I can tell when she’s ready to boil over.  I can see and feel the simmer before she blows.  I can’t do anything about it because she is an adult, but I also DID do something about it when she was a child.

Here are some things that I think contribute to the shoot-em-up society, in regards to children:

1.             Video games.  You can say that they are just games, but when children commit crimes psychologists are the first ones to say that their brains are not totally developed and they are highly impressionable.

2.            Medication.  Not theirs, yours.  Either they are taking it or see you abusing it.  And they think it’s ok, because it gets you through the day, or the hour, or the last five minutes.

3.            Red Bull.  I’ll probably get in trouble for this but I’ve seen a ton of kids drinking this and other highly caffeinated drinks that will get them going, screw up their sleep cycles, make them cockier, etc.  When I was a kid even Pepsi was kept away from us.  Only for the adults.   In previous posts I have mentioned living a sheltered life, so this was probably not true for a lot of kids.

4.            Access to the internet.  I don’t care how many stops you put on your computer, phone, tablet, etc – the kid will always find a way.  You look at what they do on the internet?  Riiiggghhhttt.  And I won the mega millions last week.  You do realize they know how to erase history and clear cache before you look over their shoulder, correct?  What they see, and what they post, and the fact they feel they can say anything makes them extremely dangerous.

5.            Children’s rights.  Yes, it’s good that we can help the children who need it, but has your child ever said “You can’t put your hands on me!  I’ll tell the police!” when you’ve threatened to spank?  They teach that first thing in school now.  It’s supposed to teach them that their body belongs to them only and no one should touch it without their permission, but what it really teaches them is that they can get away with ANYTHING because you are afraid to get in trouble yourself.

6.            "Everyone’s A Winner" mentality.  Kids have to understand that not everyone can win and handing out awards to all does not help our children.  This melds into the theory of bettering oneself.  If you think you’re going to get an award anyway, why do better?  Why push yourself?  These kids are bored out of their minds.  They don’t have to figure out anything – all they need is technology and they are on their way.

There’s more, there’s always more.  Maybe you’ll add to my list.  I think we need to go back to the fifties, or even the forties.  Whenever kids went to classes for manners and how to behave in social situations.  We’ve lost that.  I think even people my age could use it.  These things were taught because they were important.  Not for fun, not for credit.  It was something you needed to become a productive member of society.  I think we need to start paying more attention to the people around us instead of our smart phones.  If you see someone in distress, take a moment and see if you can help.  Smile at the person in line behind you.  Make small talk.  Show your child there is more to your life than them.  Show them there’s more to their life than you.  Take away the video games and technology and bring them outside.  Show them parks and zoos and museums.  Walk by the water or in the woods.  TALK to them.  Make eye contact.  Make them respond to you.  Be quiet with them.  Be still with them.  It may be exactly what they need.  Let self-confidence be their weapon of choice.  Please, for their futures as well as our nation’s.

 

A Look At My Life (just a little)

   I don’t want to let this blog go!  So I was trying to think of what I might write about.  Whoever is checking my page you might think I’m a negative nelly, but I’m not.  Quite the opposite.  I really do try to look for the good in all people and all situations.  It sometimes drives my boyfriend crazy because he calls a spade a spade and he’s rarely wrong.  However, I will argue and say that maybe this person went through this situation or that and that eventually they will come around and be productive, have a life, be a good parent, etc., etc.  He’s rubbed off a little on me though. 

   I had to turn Dr. Phil off yesterday afternoon.  I turned it on so I could run on the treadmill and possibly be entertained while I was doing so, but the first thing I heard was this woman talking about how her fiancé mistreats her and beats her and how she does it back to him and then starts talking about her newborn child.  I, of course, started talking to the television right away and the first thing that comes out of my mouth is “So he beats you and you decide to have a kid with him?”  That’s when I changed the channel.

   Dr. Phil, is there anyone out there that is inspiring?  Why do you televise stupid people?  People who do know better and continue to do the wrong thing?  I have to believe that your show is allowing more stupid people to feel good about themselves and justified about making stupid decisions. 

   I used to think I should write to Dr. Phil and ask him to fix my daughter, because she makes one stupid decision after another.  Then I thought, no, he’ll put me up there and tell me that I enabled her to be this way, and then he’d tell me I had to make some tough decisions to stop her behavior.  He does have some good common sense advice and I’ve read a couple of his books.  I also realized there was no way I could stop my daughter from acting the way she does but I could stop how I reacted.  (More advice from my boyfriend) So far, and it’s only been about three weeks, it seems to be working for me.  Not so much for her and my mother, who keeps helping her. <sigh>

   I still help her a little but no money, and I don’t go running out there every time she calls for me.  My time is my own and I’m trying to recapture it.  I feel cheated.  She didn’t graduate from high school, she had a job that she loved for a short time but then she met people who showed her she could get her needs met without having to work. 

   I worked and went to college and earned two degrees.  I still had time to volunteer in her classrooms and know her teachers and take her to do the fun things that were very special to us.  I love my daughter, I just don’t like the lifestyle that she is embracing.  In fact, I hate it.  This girl used to get up, shower, put on her make-up, straighten her hair.  She would look beautiful.  Now she’s not allowed to do that.  She has to wear sweatpants, no make-up; her hair is ever-rarely done.  She’s not allowed to work, and she’s married to a guy who is 15 years older than her.  My only hope is that he drops dead of a heart attack and that she pulls her life together.  We’ve tried to help her when she’s left him before, but we realized that it was a ruse to make him beg for her to come home, and for her to steal from us.

   And her father dropped dead when she was nineteen.  During that time when they weren’t getting along, so she has that to deal with that on top of everything else.  His wife refused to give her any of her father’s belongings so she has nothing physical to hold on to and the vile that had some of her father’s ashes in it broke.  She’s been in trouble with the law since she was fifteen and at 23 is still not learning.

   I read the advice columns, I watch Dr. Phil when it feels right, I look back in my life to see what I could’ve done differently.  I come up with a whole slew of options – I should’ve never read the Dr. Spock book, I should’ve spanked her more, I should’ve used birth control, I should have broke up with her dad and never told him about her, I should’ve had an abortion, I should’ve dated more so she could see a healthy relationship, I should’ve been a stay at home mom, I should’ve home schooled her.  The list goes on and on.  The only thing I could’ve done right was love her and I did, and I do.

   When she was four we went to a restaurant.  I’m not sure where we were but it was the two of us and she got something she didn’t want and when the waitress came over she told her and got it taken care of.  Four.  At three she was using multi-syllable words and knew what she was talking about.  She was smarter at four than she is at 23.  She’s picked up her husband’s way of speaking, such as “I done that” or “This is my cousint”  (spell check doesn’t like that word!)

   My boyfriend says genetics plays a role in how she turned out.  Even though she lived with me she is more like her father’s people than I ever would have imagined.  I wish and I pray that someday she will come into her own and become who she is supposed to be, not the person molded by the men in her life.  I hope the lessons I taught her are still with her and I hope she wants more for herself than just existing.