Tuesday, June 11, 2013

A Look At My Life (just a little)

   I don’t want to let this blog go!  So I was trying to think of what I might write about.  Whoever is checking my page you might think I’m a negative nelly, but I’m not.  Quite the opposite.  I really do try to look for the good in all people and all situations.  It sometimes drives my boyfriend crazy because he calls a spade a spade and he’s rarely wrong.  However, I will argue and say that maybe this person went through this situation or that and that eventually they will come around and be productive, have a life, be a good parent, etc., etc.  He’s rubbed off a little on me though. 

   I had to turn Dr. Phil off yesterday afternoon.  I turned it on so I could run on the treadmill and possibly be entertained while I was doing so, but the first thing I heard was this woman talking about how her fiancĂ© mistreats her and beats her and how she does it back to him and then starts talking about her newborn child.  I, of course, started talking to the television right away and the first thing that comes out of my mouth is “So he beats you and you decide to have a kid with him?”  That’s when I changed the channel.

   Dr. Phil, is there anyone out there that is inspiring?  Why do you televise stupid people?  People who do know better and continue to do the wrong thing?  I have to believe that your show is allowing more stupid people to feel good about themselves and justified about making stupid decisions. 

   I used to think I should write to Dr. Phil and ask him to fix my daughter, because she makes one stupid decision after another.  Then I thought, no, he’ll put me up there and tell me that I enabled her to be this way, and then he’d tell me I had to make some tough decisions to stop her behavior.  He does have some good common sense advice and I’ve read a couple of his books.  I also realized there was no way I could stop my daughter from acting the way she does but I could stop how I reacted.  (More advice from my boyfriend) So far, and it’s only been about three weeks, it seems to be working for me.  Not so much for her and my mother, who keeps helping her. <sigh>

   I still help her a little but no money, and I don’t go running out there every time she calls for me.  My time is my own and I’m trying to recapture it.  I feel cheated.  She didn’t graduate from high school, she had a job that she loved for a short time but then she met people who showed her she could get her needs met without having to work. 

   I worked and went to college and earned two degrees.  I still had time to volunteer in her classrooms and know her teachers and take her to do the fun things that were very special to us.  I love my daughter, I just don’t like the lifestyle that she is embracing.  In fact, I hate it.  This girl used to get up, shower, put on her make-up, straighten her hair.  She would look beautiful.  Now she’s not allowed to do that.  She has to wear sweatpants, no make-up; her hair is ever-rarely done.  She’s not allowed to work, and she’s married to a guy who is 15 years older than her.  My only hope is that he drops dead of a heart attack and that she pulls her life together.  We’ve tried to help her when she’s left him before, but we realized that it was a ruse to make him beg for her to come home, and for her to steal from us.

   And her father dropped dead when she was nineteen.  During that time when they weren’t getting along, so she has that to deal with that on top of everything else.  His wife refused to give her any of her father’s belongings so she has nothing physical to hold on to and the vile that had some of her father’s ashes in it broke.  She’s been in trouble with the law since she was fifteen and at 23 is still not learning.

   I read the advice columns, I watch Dr. Phil when it feels right, I look back in my life to see what I could’ve done differently.  I come up with a whole slew of options – I should’ve never read the Dr. Spock book, I should’ve spanked her more, I should’ve used birth control, I should have broke up with her dad and never told him about her, I should’ve had an abortion, I should’ve dated more so she could see a healthy relationship, I should’ve been a stay at home mom, I should’ve home schooled her.  The list goes on and on.  The only thing I could’ve done right was love her and I did, and I do.

   When she was four we went to a restaurant.  I’m not sure where we were but it was the two of us and she got something she didn’t want and when the waitress came over she told her and got it taken care of.  Four.  At three she was using multi-syllable words and knew what she was talking about.  She was smarter at four than she is at 23.  She’s picked up her husband’s way of speaking, such as “I done that” or “This is my cousint”  (spell check doesn’t like that word!)

   My boyfriend says genetics plays a role in how she turned out.  Even though she lived with me she is more like her father’s people than I ever would have imagined.  I wish and I pray that someday she will come into her own and become who she is supposed to be, not the person molded by the men in her life.  I hope the lessons I taught her are still with her and I hope she wants more for herself than just existing.