Day 12 - November

Today is Day 12 of the Writer's Digest November PAD Chapbook Challenge.  I've been kind of hopping around, because not all of this month's challenges have inspired me yet, but I hope they will.  I am still trying.  I'm still in the game.  Let me know what you think!  I really do want to know!

November

The crunch of leaves under my tall black boots on a lunchtime walk.

The smell of wood smoke in the air,

and the buzz of a chainsaw in the far distance.

Memories rise of fall mornings,

preparing wood to be saved and stacked so we would be warm for winter.

Dressed in flannel and thermal and denim,

boots on our feet and gloves on our hands,

sent out by our mother to

help our father prepare for winter storms.

Although we protested at first,

our work quickly evolved into play.

I don’t know who started it first,

but every log we threw was thrown with a word,

whether it was a

Star Wars character, or

things of a certain color, or a

popular song, or an

“and then” story.

We kept it going until we couldn’t go any farther and then we started it again.

Warming ourselves next to the wood stove,

cups of steaming hot chocolate topped with melting marshmallows.

Mom in the kitchen making lunch-

peanut butter and jelly or tuna fish sandwiches,

maybe some soup.

Rosy cheeks and runny noses, bright eyes and yawns.

November.

My sweet November.

Oh, how I miss it…

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PAD Day 30 - Bury the _____

Bury the Past

I wish I could walk away and not look back,

this life you lead is totally whack. 
Get your life together, so we can be friends,

if it stays like this,

well, it has to end.

PAD Day 29 - Nobody Knows

Thought to Action

When he died I thought “Oh shit”,

I did it. 

All those years, I had been saying I hoped he would die,

life would be so much easier. 

I wondered if I could make it happen, like I did when I was 17, and just kidding around,

spoke those words several times, “I hope you die a violent death”. 

Just kidding at the time, never meant it, I loved them both. 

Then at the beginning of summer they were gone, dead in a tragic car accident

– or was it? 

An accident, I mean. 

Did I cause that? 

And then he died, nearly twenty years later, my mantra echoing in my ears

– life would be so much easier if he would just die. 

It is my secret power,

to wish someone dead,

and for it to come true.

PAD Day 28 - Matter

Gray Matter

A lump of gray that

works grandly for some and not

so great for others.

PAD Day 27 - Looking Back

Hindsight

If hindsight were 20/20 and I had to do it all over again:

Spankings would be mandatory, as the hugs and I love you’s were;

there would be no TV or internet;

walks would be great fun, more than they were;

laughing at ourselves would be easier and done more often;

respect would be demanded and talking back not tolerated;

reading out loud and often to each other would be enjoyable and begged for.

I would give you choices, not letting you choose just anything;

your genetics would not be allowed as an excuse for your actions;

boys would not be allowed until there was a healthy respect for yourself.

If hindsight were 20/20, I would not have to visit you in jail;

watch you throw your “self” away to become what someone else wants you to be;

see you not finish school;

watch you grow older than your twenty-five years.

I would not hate myself for who you have become.

PAD Day 26 - Shakespeare Words

Ode to Your Eyeball

Your eyeball makes me self-conscious –

As it strays to the left or right I completely ignore

your other eye, not sure where I ever made eye contact with others

when their eyes were not

wandering to and fro.

Please don’t think I am distracted – I am very interested in

what you have to say,

just please hold that eyeball still!

PAD Day 25 - Across The Sea

The Sea

Looking across the sea I feel like I can finally breathe.  The salt air

and timeless scene relaxes my mind and brings me back to me

and who I was before and even before that. 

I am centered and in balance with the universe, and

I realize that I am okay, if only for this moment.

PAD Day 24 - Moment

The Moment

June 27, 1987 at 4:08 am

I woke up and at that moment,

before I knew it, I lost

our next day,

our next kiss,

our next argument,

our next make-up,

our next glance.

We lost our future,

our dreams,

our white picket fence.

At that moment, I lost everything

…with you.

 

PAD Day 23 - History

The Witch’s Spell

 

You would think that a witch, a true witch,

would have been able to save herself.

“Witch Finders” should not have had such power,

no man should. Nor should little girls.

The fact that it was about land, really, and not spirituality made me want to scream.

I don’t know why this made it worse for me.

Maybe because you can’t touch anyone’s spirit,

you can’t change it,

but you can touch and change land.

And it was all about men too, because they wanted it all.

For a group of people who wanted freedom from persecution they really did a turnabout.

Who am I to disparage them?

Today’s society scorns each other as if it were sport.

Doesn’t matter what color, religion, sexual orientation – whatever,

we all get up in each other’s faces,

or better yet each other’s social media – for what?

It’s not for land.

I don’t think it’s for anyone’s spirituality either.

I think they must have been true witches after all,

and they have cursed their tormentor’s children for generations

and will continue to do so.

Their curse?

To let history repeat itself and for us

not to learn the lessons.

PAD Day 21 - What I Am

What I Am

 

As the youngest girl, and invisible middle child

I never thought I would be an ambassador.

Not for a country or an organization, although most certainly one of good will.

I am an ambassador for my family.

Funerals, weddings, reunions, birthdays,

it is I who show up.

When asked about the others

I paint a rosy picture of where they are

and what they are doing.

Everyone knows who I am, but in my position in the family

they never remember my name.

I was not the pretty one, the smart one, the athletic one, the adventurous one.

If they had noticed, I was the one with my

face buried in a book under a tree,

pretending I had run away and all

I needed to do all day was live in my head.

I was the one in the background at family events,

washing and drying dishes,

listening to family gossip

and where the girls went clubbing

and where they stole their make-up.

I knew when my sister started smoking

and when my brother got blithering drunk at a party

when he was supposed to be at a friend’s house.

I knew these things but they were safe with me.

As the quiet one I thought I would be safe from having to interact. 

Now that I’m older, I am the ambassador for my family. 

If someone is looking for information about someone they contact me.

Funny, if someone were to inquire about me,

they would be hard pressed to get an answer. 

I know my family, but

they don’t know me.

 

 

 

PAD Day 22 - Nature

Dragonfly

 

To experience a dragonfly communicating with you is truly remarkable.

I believe that dragonflies are our loved ones

that have passed on. 

They are here to reassure us

that they are still here, watching over us.

When one lands on me I think it must be someone who truly loved me,

like my nana or my dad.

I always smile and stop what I’m doing

and wait for it to take off again.

 

 

 

 

PAD Day 20 - My (blank), the (blank)

My Friend, the Extreme

 

My best friend lived in the Port Authority in New York City for a short time

At least that’s what she said.

Every couple of days I get a new voice mail-

“I’m losing weight”

“I’ve been sick”

“Did I ever have a baby and give it up?”

“I think I have a brain tumor”

“Good news – no tumor, just a sinus infection”

And on and on and on…

I love her, she’s a good person, and I wish her well

but I think she’s got the corner on crazy.

Between hospital stays and pets at death’s door

I’ve had to stand back and detach a little.

I’ve told her that I hate being on the phone and that I will write to her.

And I do, once a month, to let her know what I’m up to.

And she can call and leave a message, because she’s not a writer.

But if I get on the phone with her

The silences, where I want to tell her she needs help,

that she’s a hypochondriac,

that her past is so messed up in her head, are hard to deal with.

I want so badly for her to end the call but I have to be the one.

Every.

Single .

Time.

I remain in touch with her after years of silence

Because I know she needs a friend, and I do too.

It’s just that sometimes, she’s just too much.

And most times, for her, I’m not enough.

PAD Day 19 - Authority

Yes, Miss Manners

 

I have no authority over my own self

I get angry, so angry I want to lash out,

to scream and hit and punch and kick

But, knowing that it is frowned upon, stops me

I smile, or at least keep my mouth shut.

It wouldn’t be right to make a scene, and

what does it help anyway?

Always be gracious and you will be treated kindly in return.

If not, just remember that those who treat others badly are

those that need your grace the most.

Yes, Miss Manners, although she was around before my generation, has taught me well.

She holds me in check.

 

 

PAD Day 18 - Two Vowels Only

The directions said we could use "text speak" so I took the liberty of changing one word so I could write this.

Cat Naps

 

My fat cats sat on mats on slats. 

A spat on a mat – oy!  Damn cats!

Royal, Troy, Cal, Sam and AJ –

mats r for naps not spats!

 

This is AJ.  She is actually laying on a mat, on a slatted bench!

 

PAD Day 16 - Science

Science Lessons

 

Earth Science –

phosphorus is bad for the bodies of water it gets dumped into

Biology –

fetus pig systems are more like human systems than you realize

and frogs are dropped in formaldehyde alive.

Chemistry –

not my strong point

 

I didn’t learn much in science class

I wasn’t really interested at the time

Passing notes, looking out the window,

Wondering if I was going to see my crush in the hall

Thinking about the dance

Writing stories in my notebook

Listening to rumors about the science teacher

and how he dated his students

and wouldn’t it be great to get an easy A.

If only he went for the plain girls!

 

I had to work for my C.

The hard way.

 

He got caught, years later.

We found out the rumor wasn’t a rumor after all.

Poetic justice?

Maybe, maybe not.

In more scientific terms

the Law of Cause and Effect

finally made sense.

 

 

 

 

PAD Day 17 - Swing

Between

 

Should I write about

what I imagine or what

I know to be true?

 

There are definite

blurred lines between both.  I can’t

achieve clarity.

 

Back and forth I go. 

Fact and fantasy mingle. 

My truth is not real.

 

PAD Day 14 - Honesty

Honesty

 

Your kid is annoying

You DO look fat in that

Yes, there is less hair up there

I really don’t like your cooking

You drive like a maniac

You are so much more than this!

 

 

What a precious child!

You look marvelous!

You haven’t changed one bit!

We’d love to do dinner, where would you like to meet?

You sit back and relax, I’ll drive

If you’re happy, I’m happy.

 

Honesty stands by itself in a corner

Lies have more friends.

PAD Day 13 - Confession

Confession

 

He sits in his little room

Listening to what you say are your sins

Rosary beads click while he murmurs

Asks you if you are sorry and you reply that yes, you are.

Except he remembers you

Two weeks ago, with the same sin

Sorry as ever.

He gave you penance to do

You walked out, cleansed and ready for the world

You didn’t do your penance.

You know it, he knows it.

You think you got one over on him.

On God.

You didn’t.

After you leave the closet

He looks up at the sacred heart and begs for forgiveness himself.

God help him, he loves to hear your sins and prays you won’t stop.

 

 

 

PAD Day 12 - Damage

Beautiful Damage

 

Too trusting, arms outstretched

I love you as I walk away

You made me yours before I knew you and it wasn’t fair

Circumstances shaped you

A mother who didn’t care

Looked for her next hook-up, her next fix

A father who was as cold as an ice box

And you, still trusting

Still loving

Opening your heart to me

Love and hope on your face

I couldn’t walk far

I turned around and you hugged me,

Damaged goods, but good enough for you.

 

 

PAD Day 11 - Seasonal Haiku

Spring

 

black capped chick-a-dee

              sings his mating call in the

spring. I whistle back.

 

daffodils leap forth

the earth is warming at last

there will be color.

 

the sound of raking

is a welcome break from

the scraping snow plow.

 

catalogs arrive

on time must choose seeds for this

summer’s menu now